Women and Cars (Ok--Some Women and Cars)

     Once upon a time there were two women who probably had the some of the worst experiences with cars ever recorded.  The following incidents are true--unfortunately, because they involved destruction of property; fortunately, because no humans or animals were harmed, thank God.
      Woman A was flying her usual hades-bat speed down Airline Highway when she heard and felt a clunk.  She got out to see that she had run over a speed limit sign on the median.  She looked around to see if anybody had been watching and then quickly threw the sign in he back of her car.  No witnesses, no evidence, nothing ever happened.  I never found out what she did with the sign.  Of course, that car went steadily down hill from there.  I know for a fact, it was towed 200 miles from one state to another because she did not trust any mechanics except the ones at a tiny gas station in a tiny town.  I will not tell you what this cost or what the Triple A people had to say about it.  That very same car finally met its end when it was de-tagged and left on its own on an out-of-the-way street. 
     Of the three cars she now has parked in her driveway, one has no defrost and no heat, one has moss growing on the roof and one side and no windshield wipers, and the other is doing well, knock on steel.  Woman A's mechanic told her never to bring the moss car back in for an oil change because the hole in it allowed what oil that was put in to flow right back out; therefore, the oil was clean during the short time it was in the car.  Why three cars?  Back-up, silly.
     Woman B has had 16 wrecks so far in her lifetime starting with the destruction of a plate glass store front before she even got her driver's license.  Long story short--foreign car, broken radio, car left in gear while the mom was in the store, key turned too far--pow!    From the back seat, no less.  Skipping over the dents from hitting her own parents' car, hitting a student's car in the high school parking lot, etc., there were 2 totals that happened--one for stupidity, one an Act of God.   The Act of God one was really not my...ahem...Woman B's fault.

     Woman A decided to let Woman B drive for awhile coming home from Oklahoma.  It was sleeting.  Car started to skid.  Woman B turned in the direction of skid like on tv, but traveling at the speed of 10 miles per hour, the car took out a road sign and turned over twice before coming to rest right-side-up.  Startled people came running out of a restaurant nearby.  A highway patrolman happened to be there.  Woman A and Woman B were laughing so hard, he wanted to give them a breath test, but we convinced him we were just relieved at not being hit by the six-pack of Diet Cokes that tumbled around us as we rolled.  I learned that a bent frame is not a good thing, and never hold hands with your sister on a Greyhound bus going to Mississippi.  I'll never get that one-toothed man leering at us across the aisle of the bus, but he did offer us a swig from his brown bag.  Sigh....

Seeing the Light of Day

     There are two new channels on my cable service that almost defy description.  Note:  I am not recommending these channels; rather, I'm taking a "tune-in at your own risk" point of view.  One channel has apparently taken all the Retro and TVLAND channels rejects for our perusal.  The station from which these really old celluloid, found-in-the-wastebasket films must be emanating from somewhere below Wayne and Garth's basement based on the quality of picture and sound.  Remember back in school when  your poor teachers had ancient reels of informative hygiene "facts" or some James Lipton-type professor (without the cool stars) droning on and ruining your love of really good authors?  Well, they are on this channel along with video-taped shows from the Fifties shown with eroding edges and sound from a distant state.  Once in awhile, I will see- as I surf by- old movies that are so badly acted that even Mystery Science 3000 probably rejected them.  I guess it is a fun channel when you are bored, but I'm not so sure a blank screen would be better.
     The other channel is somewhat better.  If you need jaw-dropping amazement in your life tune into the LOGO channel offered by your cable service.  You can look up the full title on your computer, but I like to call it the Elephant Graveyard of Gay Cinema.  In the early days, as gay life slowly began to infiltrate mainstream culture, little indie films and TV shows began to appear in certain states and only on cable or art-house movie marques.  On this channel, any film or TV show with a gay, lesbian, and everything in between ever made before 1990 can be found.  Some of the offerings are quite watchable--the TV Buffy the Vampire Slayer for one and Queer As Folk-the Canadian version..  There are a few old movies that were well-acted--Longtime Companion, As the Band Played On, etc.  The JEWELS of this channel are TV series and movies that must have had a limited run somewhere if at all.  They can be seen on Sunday afternoon and late at night.  I guess that is to prevent small children from surfing by and accidentally seeing and hearing the most bizarre TV action this channel has to offer.  The best is Sordid Lives, a campy but poorly acted soap opera that is hilariously charming to us in the hinterlands who have never been exposed to these early creations.  I'm sure the modern alternative crowd is horrified by this exposure.  I bet they even have tried to get the gay mafia to squelch this channel.  I hope it stays in the same way I hope I can always see Gilligan reruns somewhere.  They are part of our evolving culture.

Absurdities help us to endure our lives

The Hoarders' Perpetual Star Guide

(For any day, month, year that you happen to find this.

You've long since lost your birth certificate, so just pick a sign you like.)

Aries -- Update your closet! Keep things from 1988 to the present. Take a year or two to move older items to your storage unit for convenient retrieval for those unexpected costume parties and/or hospital stays.

Taurus--This is your lucky day! You stumble upon a set of golf clubs for left-handers on your foraging expedition to the free curb markets that seem to appear the same two days every week. One never knows when that random relative might ask to say a month or two to play 18 holes with perspective new buyers for his beach-front property in exotic Appalachia.

Gemini--Be wary of people in pairs coming to your front door. These people are committed to promising you many items but only leave you with a pamphlet or two. If they are male and wearing white shirts, you might get a second visit and a colorful book.

Cancer--Put off making decisions this year. The stars can be confusing if you try to find a new path in life. Occasionally, out of nowhere, a well-dressed lady may pop up in your existing path claiming to be a doctor or expert organizer. Point this person to the sofa cushion behind the TV as a good beginning spot. After the third hamster skeleton she finds, she usually exits quickly forging a nice path to the

patio door you haven't been able to find since the invention of ziplocs.

Leo--You will finally be recognized for your remarkable skills in physics and kinesthetics when videos circulate around the internet world of your dining room sculpture containing 363 stacked units of free-form plastic amorphous rhomboids. You are pictured in the local newspaper with the young grocery boy who pointed out the Glad and Hefty Bag shelves in the Dollar Store.

Virgo--Not everyone values the earth and recycling plans as much as you do. You must honor this difference of opinion by keeping some of the rhino-doo fertilizer you got from the zoo manure fund raiser in the guest room for the tomato plants just coming into bloom under the window.

Libra--The stars encourage you to never give up your goal of amassing a fortune in scrap metal. Folding screens are available at every flea market for camouflaging the interesting array of fenders,

tin cans, and your mosaic portrait of Kitty Boo-Boo containing 345 door keys hot glued to a defunct dorm-room refrigerator.

Scorpio--You are highly adept at recruiting others to your causes. Advertise workshops for Beginning Hoarding and Intermediate Hoarding on those fire-sale sheets. Make sure to hang them high enough from your roof or trees for better viewing.

Sagittarius--People born under the fire sign often become celebrities. Unfortunately, their 15 minutes of fame may just last 15 seconds if their sumptuous collection of cast-off Halloween costumes are stored too close to the hot water heater.

Capricorn--This earth sign is neither fastidious or hygienic. Startle your therapist by giving her your entire collection of toiletries in their original wrappers that you have received over the years by well-meaning family and friends.

Aquarius--Acquarians love water. Liquids of varying colors and smells are often the centerpieces of your decorating schemes. Do make sure your milk containers are punctured properly to avoid explosive situations.

Pisces--You are on a path of continuous personal growth. Perhaps you will share this with your community by a well-placed newspaper picture of the breezeway you constructed of Popsicle sticks and ice trays from your house to your refurbished hothouse containing the largest crop of unidentified mushrooms and other types of fungi in the United States.