Absurdities help us to endure our lives

The Hoarders' Perpetual Star Guide

(For any day, month, year that you happen to find this.

You've long since lost your birth certificate, so just pick a sign you like.)

Aries -- Update your closet! Keep things from 1988 to the present. Take a year or two to move older items to your storage unit for convenient retrieval for those unexpected costume parties and/or hospital stays.

Taurus--This is your lucky day! You stumble upon a set of golf clubs for left-handers on your foraging expedition to the free curb markets that seem to appear the same two days every week. One never knows when that random relative might ask to say a month or two to play 18 holes with perspective new buyers for his beach-front property in exotic Appalachia.

Gemini--Be wary of people in pairs coming to your front door. These people are committed to promising you many items but only leave you with a pamphlet or two. If they are male and wearing white shirts, you might get a second visit and a colorful book.

Cancer--Put off making decisions this year. The stars can be confusing if you try to find a new path in life. Occasionally, out of nowhere, a well-dressed lady may pop up in your existing path claiming to be a doctor or expert organizer. Point this person to the sofa cushion behind the TV as a good beginning spot. After the third hamster skeleton she finds, she usually exits quickly forging a nice path to the

patio door you haven't been able to find since the invention of ziplocs.

Leo--You will finally be recognized for your remarkable skills in physics and kinesthetics when videos circulate around the internet world of your dining room sculpture containing 363 stacked units of free-form plastic amorphous rhomboids. You are pictured in the local newspaper with the young grocery boy who pointed out the Glad and Hefty Bag shelves in the Dollar Store.

Virgo--Not everyone values the earth and recycling plans as much as you do. You must honor this difference of opinion by keeping some of the rhino-doo fertilizer you got from the zoo manure fund raiser in the guest room for the tomato plants just coming into bloom under the window.

Libra--The stars encourage you to never give up your goal of amassing a fortune in scrap metal. Folding screens are available at every flea market for camouflaging the interesting array of fenders,

tin cans, and your mosaic portrait of Kitty Boo-Boo containing 345 door keys hot glued to a defunct dorm-room refrigerator.

Scorpio--You are highly adept at recruiting others to your causes. Advertise workshops for Beginning Hoarding and Intermediate Hoarding on those fire-sale sheets. Make sure to hang them high enough from your roof or trees for better viewing.

Sagittarius--People born under the fire sign often become celebrities. Unfortunately, their 15 minutes of fame may just last 15 seconds if their sumptuous collection of cast-off Halloween costumes are stored too close to the hot water heater.

Capricorn--This earth sign is neither fastidious or hygienic. Startle your therapist by giving her your entire collection of toiletries in their original wrappers that you have received over the years by well-meaning family and friends.

Aquarius--Acquarians love water. Liquids of varying colors and smells are often the centerpieces of your decorating schemes. Do make sure your milk containers are punctured properly to avoid explosive situations.

Pisces--You are on a path of continuous personal growth. Perhaps you will share this with your community by a well-placed newspaper picture of the breezeway you constructed of Popsicle sticks and ice trays from your house to your refurbished hothouse containing the largest crop of unidentified mushrooms and other types of fungi in the United States.